We all want to be persuasive. We want to influence, and we want our voices to be heard. For some people, that means speaking up. Telling people what to do. But the people who seem to gain the most respect are the ones who are able to challenge the status quo without ruffling feathers. I’ve asked many executives over the years how they do that, and the answer is the same every time: Don’t make statements, ask questions.
Their advice is sound. Arguing a point only raises tensions, putting up barriers to collaboration. Challenging individuals puts them on the defensive because they feel weaker, lesser, or under attack. It turns the conversation into a duel.
Alternatively, if you ask them a question, you let them decide if they can answer it confidently (and support their idea), or if they might have missed something that is worth looking into.
Questions Uncover Hidden Information, Building Trust Through Transparency
I was very fortunate to have had Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of “Never Split The Difference,” as my negotiations professor in graduate school. His perspective (the approach used by the FBI) is similar to that of persuasive business leaders: negotiations are about asking questions. That’s not what most people think. Most people tend to approach a negotiation with their needs, and fight to get what they want. The FBI learned questions were much more effective at bringing people home safely, without violence. Isn’t that the ultimate win-win?
Questions serve a few purposes. Most obviously, they help to fill in gaps in information. Open-ended questions (those that encourage long answers, instead of a quick yes or no) help expand the conversation. They get a person talking – sharing more details that then allow you to probe, to discover, to take an interest and thereby guide someone to consider alternatives and become empowered to work through these types of problems independently in the future. That is why the tone of many interactions may have to change: It must be genuine interest, not an interrogation. (As the adage goes, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.)
That brings up another benefit: Questions encourage trust and deepen relationships (or, as the FBI views it, build rapport). Questions are disarming because they indicate to other people that you are taking an interest in them and what they have to say. You are helping them, not challenging them, as discussed above. Questions work, because they are rooted in a core need we all have: to feel heard. Once employees feel like they have been able to be part of the process (and not just have it dictated to them), they are almost always more open to feedback, willing to engage in a dialogue about what they may need to tackle, and likely to believe in and commit to addressing the issue.
How Can Questions Help You?
It may be a mindset shift for some, but using a Socratic, questioning approach to lead isn’t about getting answers. It’s about opening up the conversation, getting others to talk more. That allows you to learn about your people so that you can find ways to challenge them, help them grow, and prepare them for their current and future roles.
With that in mind, when working with employees, I recommend using questions for four reasons:
1. To challenge: Does this argument hold up? Have they disproven the opposite in making their case? Are there other angles that they have considered?
2. To clarify: Are we all on the same page about the topic, issue, solution or path forward?
3. To guide or expand: Could we re-frame or think differently about the problem? How could we be more empathetic or increase our awareness of our needs and the needs of others? What experiences from the past can we learn from (that the employee may not have been around for)?
4. To support: In its simplest form, asking questions shows that you are taking an interest, which starts conversations on a supportive path. But support doesn’t have to mean positive thoughts only. Ensuring employees are able to answer (tough) questions, without needing a safety net, is a great way to boost team member confidence. Starting with an easy question can help set them at ease as well, starting them off on the right footing.
Are You Asking The Right Questions?
Asking the right questions is all about your intent – are you being curious or punitive? The other party can almost always tell. The more you use questions to build relationships and help other people, the more you build trust and become the leader your people are looking for.