Some people might tell you that the only way to manage work disagreements is to dive right in and straighten things out. This isn’t true. While dealing with the conflict directly can be the most effective route, it isn’t the only one. In this chapter I explain your four options: Do nothing, address it indirectly, address it directly, and exit the relationship.
Do Nothing
When you choose to do nothing, you don’t say anything to your colleague, you let the comment go, or you simply walk away and carry on as if the conflict didn’t happen. Instead of acting on any feelings or impulses you have about a disagreement, you swallow them and move on. This isn’t a cop-out—it’s a seemingly easy and low-effort option for managing conflict.
Use when . . .
- You don’t have the energy or time to invest in preparing for and having a conversation
- You suspect the other person is unwilling to have a constructive conversation
- You have little or no power, particularly in conflicts with people above you
- You won’t beat yourself up or stew about it
Keep in mind that this option . . .
- Requires little work on your part, but it can be frustrating to dismiss your feelings
- Keeps the relationship stable, assuming you can both truly move on
- Won’t work if you’re unable to put it behind you and you risk having an outburst later or acting passive-aggressively toward your counterpart
- May cause your work to suffer if you continue to feel bad
- Can reinforce bad behavior – if your counterpart got away with it once, she might try again
Address It Indirectly: Skirt the Issue
If you decide to try to change the situation by addressing it, there are two ways to do that. The first is to confrontsomeone indirectly.
Indirect confrontation is when you choose to circle around an issue rather than naming it and addressing it together. Maybe you appeal to someone else who can talk to your counterpart (say, your boss or a coworker who knows the person better), or you talk about the situation
without ever naming the issue. To those in certain cultures that tend to address conflict directly, this may sound backhanded and completely ineffective. But in some places, particularly those where saving face is important, this is the approach of choice.
Remember that this option and the “do nothing” option are different than avoiding conflict altogether. Steering away from conflict is not the same as making a conscious choice to address it indirectly. Watch out if you tend to avoid conflict and find yourself exercising this option regularly.
Use when . . .
- It’s important in your culture to save face and not embarrass people
- You work in a place (office or country) where direct confrontation is inappropriate
- You think the other person will be more willing to take feedback from someone else—either someone more powerful than you, such as a boss, or someone he trusts, such as a close confidant
Keep in mind that this option . . .
- May not work in Western cultures, where the expectation is generally to speak directly with someone when you have a problem
- Can backfire if your counterpart finds out about your behind-the-scenes work and is unhappy about it
- May fail if your counterpart doesn’t understand your story or metaphor
Address It Directly: Confront the Issue
You can also try to change the situation by explicitly addressing it. A direct confrontation is when you talk to the other person—either in the moment the conflict arises or at a later time. Generally this involves explaining your side of the conflict, listening to the other person’s perspective, and then, ideally, agreeing on resolution.
Use when . . .
- You worry that there will be lingering resentment if you don’t clear the air
- You’ve tried to do nothing or indirectly address it and the problem persists
- You previously had a positive relationship with the person and you want to get it back on track
Keep in mind that this option . . .
- Can be good for relationship – going through dificult experiences together can make your connection stronger and your relationship more resilient
- Allows you to voice your opinion or feelings, if that’s important to you
- Helps you develop a better understanding of yourself and your counterpart
- Can improve your work if you can incorporate others’ views and opinions
- Could earn you a reputation as aggressive and combation if you do it too often (or not well)
Exit: Get Out of the Situation Entirely
Your final option is to extricate yourself from the situation by either getting reassigned to another project, finding a new boss, or leaving the company. This is usually a last resort. “You can’t always leave a relationship, especially at work,” Uzzi says. When you’re disagreeing with a boss or someone on your team, you may just be stuck with that person, unless you’re willing to find another job. But if the conflict is with someone in another department or a person outside your company, such as a vendor, you may be able to reduce your contact.
Use when . . .
- You’re dealing with someone from another department or outside your company where your jobs aren’t interdependent
- You can easily find another job somewhere else
- You’ve tried other options and nothing has worked
Keep in mind that this option . . .
- May give you a sense of relief because it gives you a clean break
- Can protect you from further time wasted, stress, and discomfort
- Is likely to take a lot of work from you (including potentially difficult conversations) to change departments, get reassigned, or leave your job
- May hurt other relationships as you sever ties with this person
- Can have negative repercussions if you leave a project and then you’re later blamed for its failure because you abandoned the team or client
- May make you seem as though you’re difficult to work with